04 June 2017

the game of "love" dilemma

i've always try my best to keep it real and honest with people. no matter what type, range of relationship it is. wether it with my nephew & nieces, my parents, friends or love life. somehow, in the game of love, we cannot escape from so many tactics and strategy so called so to stay winning at love. that i have to protect my heart, by doing these and that.

here's a reality, yes, i have to keep it real with my self and PROTECT MY HEART, in a way, minimize interaction with people who project negativity and disappointment in my life which can lead to a heart break.

"Keep your distance. Don't make yourself to available."

i'm in a relationship. long distance. i was in love and i believe i still, now, love the same person. no matter what happened, we agreed that we can rely on each other & always there if i need him & he to me. like any relationship, we have ups and down. dissatisfaction, anger & disappointment will be project in various ways but as for my kind, the ldr kind, we have too much of "physical space" to act  but limited ways to show. here comes the silent treatment. our communication getting tangled, sometimes, stuck. we hardly can elaborate how we feel. i'm the type of expressing everything, which opposite of him. obviously it is a ONE WAY ROAD.

it saddened me how not to make myself available to him while i keep holding on the promises i made. i cannot give the same pain i received to other people. this is the dilemma that i'm facing every now and then. i tried, to play in silent. but clearly it's not my expertise.

articles suggest that silent treatment is very bad. it's deadly and fatal black mamba's poison, to any type of relationship. and contempt is describe as a kiss of death, as it involve seeing your partner as beneath you, rather than as an equal. what i fear the most is i might do these to other people for example to my friends, without knowing..

so i do what i do best. i kill every hatred growing with kindness, as best as i can. i collect myself as i write all of these down, and try to cope with my depression & anxiety. i need to gather my confident which slowly diminishing now..