18 September 2017

Goodnight wish

I wish every night would be a long good night sleep. So long that I would never have to wake up again. Bliss.

Waking up is painful and depressing process. I've never eager or looked up to  pray to my god in the dawn. I have nothing except a planned school schedule.
Now i
almost
had nothing.

Aku kecewa dengan dia. Dia yang dah tak mau berlawan untuk hidup. Dia yang dah malas hidup. Menyesakkan aku. Menyesakkan!

08 September 2017

Through the Night.



Tonight, I’ll send the glow of a firefly
to somewhere near your window
saying that I love you

I remember our first kiss
I close my eyes whenever I can
and go to the farthest place
Just like letters on the sand
where waves were
I feel you’ll disappear
To a far off place
I always miss you miss you
All the words
In my heart
I can’t show them all to you
But, it’s that I love you
How can I be so lucky
to have met you, who is a blessing
If we’re together now
Ah how great it’d be
Just like letters on the sand
where waves were
I feel you’ll disappear
to a far off place
I miss you again and miss you more
In my diary
All the words
I can’t show them all to you
It’s that I love you
Tonight, I’ll send the glow of a firefly
to somewhere
Near your window
I hope it’s a good dream

07 September 2017

Decoration

Like butterflies tied on a nylon thread
Beautifully arranged piece by piece
Filling up the empty white wall
Like of the silence and anticipation
To be stared and cared
From delicate touch of your fingertips
And amazed by your eagle eyes

                     And my wings then deformed
      And my shades of color washed away
                    And my patience deteroriating

05 September 2017

Longing

The sudden urge to rewatch (marathon) House again.
The sudden urge to talk, to laugh, to flying kiss, virtually hug & sleep with you again.
To quietly listening to your breathing in your sleep.

How much longer do i have to wait for (you) us to be together?

Heart weakened
Tears

30 August 2017

Boy

"If a man cares about you, you won't ever have to wonder how he feels, he will constantly remind you."

I don't get any memo nor notes or reminder.

29 August 2017

Game Night

(Patutnya) Malam ni saya dah siap sediakan dinner untuk awak dan kawan-kawan awak yang datang ke rumah - lepak tengok bola siaran langsung Sea Games di kaca tv skrin HD. Di pertengahan game, saya hidangkan kopi dan sedikit kudapan. Terlalu fokus tengok game di tv pun boleh buat rasa haus. Malam tambah meriah. Saya pula ke bilik bacaan. Lebih selesa di situ dan buat-buat sibuk. Mungkin melayan movie di channel Tvnmovies atau channel lain. Masterchef Australia tak ada pula malam ni.

Selesai game bola, awak dan kawan-kawan tadi meluahkan rasa kecewa bagaimana pasukan Malaysia kalah dengan Thailand, own goal pula tu. Awak kata, "Malaysia kalah bukan sebab keeper. Tapi takda satu pun midfield jadi playmaker. 90 minit kot." yang lain angguk setuju. Sebagai peminat tegar sukan bola sepak dan peminat setia Manchester United, komen awak sedikit canggih. Observant yang hebat. Saya bukan peminat sukan, jadi keghairahan menonton sukan tak dapat awak kongsikan bersama saya. Semasa bujang dulu sering awak ke mamak menonton bola, bergelas-gelas nescafe awak minum. Jadi sejak kita serumah, saya yang minta awak menonton di sini saja sambil teman saya. Mujur awak faham saya.

Hari makin lewat malam, teman-teman pun beransur pulang. Saya mengucapkan terima kasih dan mengirim salam pada isteri-isteri mereka. Awak membawa mug-mug dan piring di meja ruang tamu ke dapur untuk dicuci, tak tunggu saya yang basuh. Sikap ringan tulang macam ni lah buat saya rasa bertuah tinggal bersama awak. Saya pula bersiap untuk tidur. Menepuk-nepuk bantal dan masuk dalam selimut. Mungkin awak akan langsung masuk tidur, mungkin juga awak kembali ke ruang tv dan browsing channel lain. Saya tak pasti.

Tak sedar bila masa saya tertidur dan ruang masih gelap. Apabila saya pisat mata, menggagau handphone, ternyata  saya masih di bilik bujang saya di rumah lama. Masih bujang rupa-rupanya.

28 August 2017

These unending trials we have to face. I don't know if i could miss our healthy, successful time. It's been a long time.

Right now. At this moment. I already loss the trust on them. I only got me and my own. When I'm done here, i dont care if i don't have anything. I only hungry for freedom - being able to do what i wanna do. To live life as it is.

Who cares about commitment to the family? Who cares the promises you made to the loved one?

I only got me and my own.

27 August 2017

Kita dah tak bercakap tentang kegusaran dan harapan. Kita dah tak merancang masa depan. Kita dah tinggalkan perbualan kecil diselangi ketawa. Yang ada hanyalah jawapan beku pada setiap pertanyaan dari aku.

Tiada lagi catchphrase yang kita cipta. Kemesraan dah mati dinoktah sepi.

25 August 2017

Tepuk tidur

Kalau awak dah tidur, saya harap awak tidur nyenyak berbantal angan. Kalau awak belum tidur, harap awak tak bazirkan tenaga, jaga lah kesihatan.
Saya dah lama tak nampak awak. Harap awak faham jika saya bertanya andainya masa awak terisi dengan perempuan-perempuan. Saya cuma khuatir. Sebab saya pernah dibiar dalam kegelapan dan kecurangan berlaku hatta di bawah hidung. Jadi biarlah kita jadi orang-orang yang jujur dan tak menipu diri sendiri.

Kalau awak dah tidur, saya harap awak tidur nyenyak bermimpi syurga. Kalau pun kita ini bukan lah orang-orang syurga, tapi kita sering memikir dan berhajat akannya, mana lah tahu takdir kita dapat juga ke sana. Kekal selamanya. Begitulah saya mahu yang terbaik buat kita. Saya harap awak faham. Saya harap rasa hati saya ini sampai ke awak.

Kalau awak dah tidur, lenalah dalam kelegaan. Hari ini awak dah tempuh, hari besok pula menunggu. Kita tak selamanya di sini awak. Jangan lah terlalu runsing dengan hari semalam. Jangan kau gari kaki mu dengan masa lalu. Cukuplah.

They rely on me more as they're getting older, sicker. And i..

23 August 2017

Unrequited Love

Poem by Yuna.

Sometimes you find yourself trying to let go of something
But it's like you have been swimming in the ocean
For a very very long time
And you feel like you belong there
You are one with the waves
The warmth of the water
And your body moves in sync with the ocean
And you swim around just trying to stay afloat
Then you get tired and you start to drown
And you swim back to land
When you get there you just feel so heavy
Because you lost touch with gravity for so long
And you collapse on the beach
As you try to find balance again
And then your feet finds gravity
You stand up and you look at the horizon one last time
And just know that no matter how beautiful the sea was
And how good it made you feel it was never yours for you to keep
And someday's you will miss it, you know
And you feel yourself moving with the waves
And you dream of diving in
Then you realize your feet was meant for land
And not cut out for the ocean
Maybe you're meant to climb trees
Or hike hills or just run really fast
Letting go is not easy
There is nothing quite like swimming in the ocean
Just like how it's natural for your feet to find gravity
It's natural for you to let go
And find your true purpose in life again
The sea is the sea
And you are just you
I have to let go
But sometimes I find myself waking up at the beach again

1.28 am

Tell me: is this alright with you?
Not having me in your life
I always thought that maybe I could be your wife
And I wouldn't mind living a lie.

And still I keep my hopes up
While you're out there
Out there lighting the dark
Your words they come so easy
Girl, I just wanna be me
All of a sudden I'm not on your team
Replaced by the prettier things

When I see you with all these girls
I just don't understand
I guess I'm not like the rest of them

So is this my punishment, punishment, punishment
Cause baby I'm in pain, I'm in pain, I'm in pain

I'm just tryna overcome
The fact that maybe I was not enough
The only thing that I could think of
Is whether I should give up

So you can be with any girl you like
Singer, model, fashionista, socialite

Buy them all the things your money can buy
You don't owe nobody an alibi
Go ahead and leave me out of your life
No one's gonna ask you where you are tonight

You can tell your friends while you're all high
Yeah I broke her but she'll be alright
Yeah I broke her but she'll be alright
I broke her but she'll be alright
I broke her but she'll be alright

I'm broken but I'll be alright
I'm broken but I'll be alright
I'm broken but I'll be alright

https://youtu.be/XE9N8t7y4Dw

16 August 2017

Expression

Look what we've done to each other?

08 August 2017

Pegang tangan selamat malam

At the end of the day, you just want someone to hold. To tell them how's your day. Or share the feelings, share your heart or your thoughts. Satu bentuk kemewahan yang nyata.

It is okay, for now.
I'm counting my blessings.

05 August 2017

on the shore

it's been a while since i write full in bahasa. my document folder use to have multiple files of creative writing. my biggest excitement when i open microsoft word used to be because i want write down everything that i felt, i experienced, my hopes and my dreams. i would sitting duck concentrate in building the words by words and than create paragraphs of unending stories. it'll just flow out.

as time passed by, i no longer have that desire. often diminished with fears of "i don't know what" and the feeling of emptiness. so i made friend with silence and solemn. i only open microsoft words or text if i have reports to do or a journal to send. blog only written for things that i wasn't sure.

no longer fun.

bahasa to me was everything.
and creative writing used to be my virtue.
now? i even scared to scribble down some plot or story line or even describe a character.

01 August 2017

Conversation

Kita lebih ingat status update, tweets seseorang lebih daripada perbualan yang berlangsung satu dengan satu dengan orang itu.

Apa dah jadi?

Oh how i miss having a conversation with you. Conversation over a meal or coffee or a mere stuck in traffic jammed.

31 July 2017

Drought

Dia ni.. Hati dia.. macam kain lap cap Master synthetic cloth. Daya serap air memang tip top. Terutama bila keadaan kain tu kering. Daya kerja bagus, cepat dan tuntas. Dia akan serap betul-betul sampai tak ada titik basah sekali pun. Kering!

Tapi... bila tiba masa untuk mengeluarkan air dari kain tu, kau kena perah betul-betul, pulas dan belum tentu kau berjaya mengeluarkan air yang diserap tadi. Belum tentu tujuh puluh persen.

Bagi dia. Salah satu cara untuk mengeluarkan lebihan air itu tadi adalah untuk biarkan kain tu tersadai. Tak usah disentuh, tak usah diusik. Jika kau biarkan kain itu tepat dibawah panas sinaran mentari, itu bunuh diri. Kain itu akan mulai merekah, struktur nya tidak akan sama lagi. Malah mungkin pecah dan hancur. Jadi kain itu, kalau kau sayang, kau lipatlah semula. Setelah kau yakin kain tu dah tak boleh diperah lagi airnya, tak guna kau merayu dan terus perah. Nanti koyak. Dan tangan kau sakit. Usaha kau tu sia-sia dan tidak dihargai oleh sesiapa terutamanya kain itu tadi.

Jadi kau lipatlah semula kain itu. Walau kau sayang, ini lah yang dia minta jadi kau tunaikanlah. Lipat elok-elok dan masukkan ke dalam kotak simpanannya. Letakkan di tempat yang tidak ada cahaya matahari secara langsung. Suhu ruangan. Dan molekul air yang terperangkap dalam kain sintetik tadi akan terkondensasi secara alami. Berapa lama itu, seperti kata dia, serahkan pada masa. Duduk lah kain itu terlipat sepi, di pojok mana-mana yang kau letakkan.

Sampai waktunya kain tu dah tak mau tuan yang sama. Pandai kotak simpanan kain tu menghilang, atau sedap sahaja diculik orang. Jika inilah yang kain sintetik itu minta, kau (aku) harus redha.

Sekiranya kain sintetik cap Master itu hilang dan tidak mahu ditemui.. Ketahuilah sayang..ada lebih baik buat dirimu. Beralih kepada sponge. SpongeBob di channel Nickelodeon.

29 July 2017

Future plan

I will build a house with a yard so big so that i plant whatever i want. From kitchen herbs to flowers to trees that will grow as  older as the house. I will name them later. But for sure there must be bunga kembang cina.

Birds, squirrel, cats, dogs are welcome.

24 July 2017

Mengirim doa

Yesterday i met God
After i completed all the five prayers.
I described to Him all that i currently trully want & why i should get them to Him
With earnest thought & faith.
I know He will grant me.