04 June 2017

the game of "love" dilemma

i've always try my best to keep it real and honest with people. no matter what type, range of relationship it is. wether it with my nephew & nieces, my parents, friends or love life. somehow, in the game of love, we cannot escape from so many tactics and strategy so called so to stay winning at love. that i have to protect my heart, by doing these and that.

here's a reality, yes, i have to keep it real with my self and PROTECT MY HEART, in a way, minimize interaction with people who project negativity and disappointment in my life which can lead to a heart break.

"Keep your distance. Don't make yourself to available."

i'm in a relationship. long distance. i was in love and i believe i still, now, love the same person. no matter what happened, we agreed that we can rely on each other & always there if i need him & he to me. like any relationship, we have ups and down. dissatisfaction, anger & disappointment will be project in various ways but as for my kind, the ldr kind, we have too much of "physical space" to act  but limited ways to show. here comes the silent treatment. our communication getting tangled, sometimes, stuck. we hardly can elaborate how we feel. i'm the type of expressing everything, which opposite of him. obviously it is a ONE WAY ROAD.

it saddened me how not to make myself available to him while i keep holding on the promises i made. i cannot give the same pain i received to other people. this is the dilemma that i'm facing every now and then. i tried, to play in silent. but clearly it's not my expertise.

articles suggest that silent treatment is very bad. it's deadly and fatal black mamba's poison, to any type of relationship. and contempt is describe as a kiss of death, as it involve seeing your partner as beneath you, rather than as an equal. what i fear the most is i might do these to other people for example to my friends, without knowing..

so i do what i do best. i kill every hatred growing with kindness, as best as i can. i collect myself as i write all of these down, and try to cope with my depression & anxiety. i need to gather my confident which slowly diminishing now..


Berlembutlah kepada mereka yang menyakiti mu. 
Selamat pulang, sang kekasih, kepada yang Hak.

02 June 2017

Off mode

I've always been bitter like this..ever since you left me for another woman.

30 May 2017


nothing breaks your hearts seeing your loved ones crumble & succumb to negativity of life. nothing breaks you hearts like the way he slowly drifting away from the world you've build together. nothing breaks you heart as silence filled in the emptiness he left inside your heart, the space he created between you and him.

and after so many rejection from him, yet you stood there, hopeless. 


As Tulus' voice echoes in my ears singing Pamit, each and every words were sharp as a knife.

it's begged me, to let him go.

ego nya dua jiwa manusia yang menyakiti hati masing-masing, minta berpisah kasih. egonya.

tell me how, how should we let each other go? how can we stop this? you tell me how and i will do the honour, for you!

dentungan anak kunci piano berlagu di telinga. tulus menyatakan yang aku yang ego. tidak mahu melepaskan kerana aku takut dia hilang. dan tulus kata lagi, dia ada tetap sebagai kawan dan itu pasti jika aku percayakan dia. bagaimana aku harus bisa terus percayakan dia sedang dia yang berlaku tak  setia dulu dan ajak berpisah. nonsense. 

14 May 2017


How come i don't have any hobby?
after 26 years of living, turned out i'm a plain white rug, even white is more vibrant than my life.

21 April 2017

Don't make me question myself, what the hell am i doing with you?!

16 April 2017

Spice it up

Hari-hari rasa berat dan statik. Nak buat apa kasi sedap sikit ni?

Mendaki? Travel pun macam okay. Apa lagi..


Hari ini berdendang lagi Cinta Disampahkan setelah sekian tahun tidak mendengar. Kerna rasa palat dalam jiwa sekarang rasa mentahnya sama seperti rasa yang aku rasa dengan lagu puisi itu. Fynn Jamal sebenarnya tidaklah seteruk yang orang gembar-gemburkan sekarang. kan tiap orang itu ada terang gelapnya. ada baik buruknya. waktu-waktu fynn menulis puisi, dia taruhkan jiwa didepan pendengar. aku resap dan dapat apa yang dia cuba sampaikan dulu. dan sekarang mungkin dendangan fynn dah berbeza tapi tetap, jiwa yang sama yang menyampaikannya.

aku gadis yang disampah-sampahkan 
aku gadis yang dihilangkan
 aku pecinta yang ingin disayang 
aku ini bukan milik orang  

mencari diri di dalam kamu 
mencari maruah diri di dalam cinta kamu 
mencari nafas yang telah di matikan 
mencari langit yang telah pernah engkau kuningkan

"Kebahagiaan tidak terletak pada tangan orang lain, tetapi tangan kamu sendiri."

You are responsible for your own happiness. Memang betul pun. Tiap kali datang rasa pahit kecewa, aku akan cari jalan keluar. Neutralkan balik rasa tu. Aku tak nak berada dalam situasi yang boleh memakan diri aku sendiri. BROKEN? TAK BOLEH MOVE ON? Itu bukan lagi aku.

Aku bukan lagi gadis yang cintanya disampahkan. aku gadis yang cintanya dihargai dan dimengertikan. yang cintanya bukan berhenti setakat bait lirik dan indah susunan lagu. sudah-sudahlah. Namun, aku masih bukan milik orang...

Seperti manusia biasa, aku mengejar rasa togetherness, rasa that hey i'm belong here, with you. Apa lagi jika perasaan tu dapat dikongsi dengan orang yang paling dekat dengan jiwa. Tapi.. Apa boleh buat jika dia merasakan aku ini tiada kepentingan lagi? Apa boleh buat jika rasa itu mungkin tidak lagi sama, tidak lagi dikongsi apatah lagi disebut-sebut.

segala diam 
dunia memejam memandang aku:  

"dia bukan milikmu lagi 
cinta kamu dimamah api”

06 April 2017


What if all my hunches were correct and will come true?

Will i cry & crawl. Will i mend & heal. Will i feel relieve & smile.

Facing the hard truth

It'll not be long until people had enough of you. How much people could tolerate the poor communication, the distance, the change in personalities, the stagnant, the pain & joy which not celebrated. How much could people tolerate you?

I would love to stay, to embrace & to love who you are inside & out, black & white. Be hurt by each other & mending the wounded scar.

I learned the hard way. Cause i know at the end of the road, in finale, all these will be meaningful. And i know you're also want the same.

Deep down, tell me, would you be with me  till the end?

04 April 2017

No more violent post, please.

I don't believe violence can bring justice. For example if you beat a burglar or snatch thieves to near death, it won't do both parties any good. Bring him to justice.

I really hate seeing violent clips lately. It is morally wrong & nothing good is coming out of it.

If you're mean to disable the criminal, do it with the right technique without causung bloody harm.

Hajat saya

Aku berhajat sangat dapat menunaikan ibadah umrah bersama mak, babah sekeluarga dan suami suatu hari nanti. Sebagai lambang ketaatan, ketaqwaan dan kesungguhan kami. Kalau boleh secepat mungkin setelah aku mendirikan rumah tangga. Walaupun sekarang tak nampak bayang suami, 😂, but this is my dream that i wish to come true. Insha Allah. Semoga jadi kenyataan. Amin amin.

Kalau aku ada semua ni di samping aku saat ziarah tanah haram dan melawat maqam nabi, alangkah bertuahnya hidup, berkahnya semua. Allahuakbar.

Sewaktu ke umrah kelmarin, aku rasa sembunyi-sembunyi. Aku nak orang-orang yang tersayang turut serta. Jadi tak perlu rasa takut dan sembunyi-sembunyi lagi. Aku mahu ketenangan tu kembali. Aku mahu buat sungguh-sungguh tanpa meminta-minta dunia kepadaNya lagi, kerana pasti, jika dapat kembali dengan orang-orang ini, doaku yang kelmarin didengari Tuhan. Sayangnya Dia pada hambaNya.

Aku mahu kembali ke tanah suci dengan rasa penuh dan bersedia.

30 March 2017

This has to stop

Stuck between being content & searching for the best.

I need to rejuvenate. My vile vomit might caused l'amour de la vie. Haih.

Bad dreams

Last night, I had a bad dream. And it taste close to what I've tasted before. The taste of betrayal.

At little too late, but you must know. Your past is not his fault. His innocent. He has nothing to do with it. So stop being scared.

27 March 2017

Will i be able to hear your voice to sooth my day?

21 March 2017

Black night

I was waiting for the call, the call never came. Nor did your reply. Now all i can sense is your absence. Avoiding my presence.

Selamat Hari Puisi Sedunia, sayang.

On World Poetry Day, in the midst of everything, Sahidzan dedicated this to me. And I love it.

Kita itu apa sih?

Kalau saja kita ga pernah kenal ga pernah balas pesan ga pernah tutur kata ga pernah nemu pasti aku ga lemas begini yang mana semuanya pasti salahku yang kau tunding semua jari mu ya salahnya aku menerima kamu aku memahami kamu aku menyayangi kamu malah jasad dan nadiku berseteru dengan kamu padahal kamu ga pernah menganggap aku sebesar hama pun ga pernah peduli sama kita.