Yesterday i met God
After i completed all the five prayers.
I described to Him all that i currently trully want & why i should get them to Him
With earnest thought & faith.
I know He will grant me.
24 July 2017
20 July 2017
19 July 2017
I salute hardworking housewives. I am easily tired of whiny calls, attending the sick, spoil brats attention seekers, manage the house, the kitchen, cooking, cleaning, groceries, being told off not to lunch, being hold off to dinner. It makes you feel violated and less humane every single shit day.
And you don't even get "How are you doing? What can i do to makes you relieve?" kind of questions. Even maids getting paid and have a bed to rest. Fuck i miss my bed.
18 July 2017
17 July 2017
We pray to God to not let our death be in disdain. We pray may our death be a swift one, not via prolonged suffering, not a constant battling, not even tube down our throat and fill our lungs with oxygen coming from a tank. We pray to God for a quiet good bye to the world filled with corrupted sons of bitches.
16 July 2017
My bed is a three seater long couch. My pillow is a worn out teddy bear. My selimut is a spread of kain batik. My lullaby is my elderly calling my name countless time, seeking for attention, in restlessness. Blessing is when i'm managed to go through the night with a wink of sleep.
This is my part while living. God hasn't send you yours. When the time comes, i will teach you the know how.
10 July 2017
04 June 2017
here's a reality, yes, i have to keep it real with my self and PROTECT MY HEART, in a way, minimize interaction with people who project negativity and disappointment in my life which can lead to a heart break.
"Keep your distance. Don't make yourself to available."
i'm in a relationship. long distance. i was in love and i believe i still, now, love the same person. no matter what happened, we agreed that we can rely on each other & always there if i need him & he to me. like any relationship, we have ups and down. dissatisfaction, anger & disappointment will be project in various ways but as for my kind, the ldr kind, we have too much of "physical space" to act but limited ways to show. here comes the silent treatment. our communication getting tangled, sometimes, stuck. we hardly can elaborate how we feel. i'm the type of expressing everything, which opposite of him. obviously it is a ONE WAY ROAD.
it saddened me how not to make myself available to him while i keep holding on the promises i made. i cannot give the same pain i received to other people. this is the dilemma that i'm facing every now and then. i tried, to play in silent. but clearly it's not my expertise.
articles suggest that silent treatment is very bad. it's deadly and fatal black mamba's poison, to any type of relationship. and contempt is describe as a kiss of death, as it involve seeing your partner as beneath you, rather than as an equal. what i fear the most is i might do these to other people for example to my friends, without knowing..
so i do what i do best. i kill every hatred growing with kindness, as best as i can. i collect myself as i write all of these down, and try to cope with my depression & anxiety. i need to gather my confident which slowly diminishing now..
02 June 2017
30 May 2017
and after so many rejection from him, yet you stood there, hopeless.
it's begged me, to let him go.
ego nya dua jiwa manusia yang menyakiti hati masing-masing, minta berpisah kasih. egonya.
tell me how, how should we let each other go? how can we stop this? you tell me how and i will do the honour, for you!
dentungan anak kunci piano berlagu di telinga. tulus menyatakan yang aku yang ego. tidak mahu melepaskan kerana aku takut dia hilang. dan tulus kata lagi, dia ada tetap sebagai kawan dan itu pasti jika aku percayakan dia. bagaimana aku harus bisa terus percayakan dia sedang dia yang berlaku tak setia dulu dan ajak berpisah. nonsense.
14 May 2017
21 April 2017
16 April 2017
aku gadis yang disampah-sampahkan
aku gadis yang dihilangkan
aku pecinta yang ingin disayang
aku ini bukan milik orang
mencari diri di dalam kamu
mencari maruah diri di dalam cinta kamu
mencari nafas yang telah di matikan
mencari langit yang telah pernah engkau kuningkan
"Kebahagiaan tidak terletak pada tangan orang lain, tetapi tangan kamu sendiri."
You are responsible for your own happiness. Memang betul pun. Tiap kali datang rasa pahit kecewa, aku akan cari jalan keluar. Neutralkan balik rasa tu. Aku tak nak berada dalam situasi yang boleh memakan diri aku sendiri. BROKEN? TAK BOLEH MOVE ON? Itu bukan lagi aku.
Aku bukan lagi gadis yang cintanya disampahkan. aku gadis yang cintanya dihargai dan dimengertikan. yang cintanya bukan berhenti setakat bait lirik dan indah susunan lagu. sudah-sudahlah. Namun, aku masih bukan milik orang...
Seperti manusia biasa, aku mengejar rasa togetherness, rasa that hey i'm belong here, with you. Apa lagi jika perasaan tu dapat dikongsi dengan orang yang paling dekat dengan jiwa. Tapi.. Apa boleh buat jika dia merasakan aku ini tiada kepentingan lagi? Apa boleh buat jika rasa itu mungkin tidak lagi sama, tidak lagi dikongsi apatah lagi disebut-sebut.
dunia memejam memandang aku:
"dia bukan milikmu lagi
cinta kamu dimamah api”
06 April 2017
It'll not be long until people had enough of you. How much people could tolerate the poor communication, the distance, the change in personalities, the stagnant, the pain & joy which not celebrated. How much could people tolerate you?
I would love to stay, to embrace & to love who you are inside & out, black & white. Be hurt by each other & mending the wounded scar.
I learned the hard way. Cause i know at the end of the road, in finale, all these will be meaningful. And i know you're also want the same.
Deep down, tell me, would you be with me till the end?