24 July 2017

Mengirim doa

Yesterday i met God
After i completed all the five prayers.
I described to Him all that i currently trully want & why i should get them to Him
With earnest thought & faith.
I know He will grant me.

20 July 2017

"Tak ada masa depan."
- ada. Tapi masih lama.

"Masa depan kelam."
- ada. Nanti akan cerah.

19 July 2017

Whine-g

I salute hardworking housewives. I am easily tired of whiny calls, attending the sick, spoil brats attention seekers, manage the house, the kitchen, cooking, cleaning, groceries, being told off not to lunch, being hold off to dinner. It makes you feel violated and less humane every single shit day.

And you don't even get "How are you doing? What can i do to makes you relieve?" kind of questions. Even maids getting paid and have a bed to rest. Fuck i miss my bed.

18 July 2017

Broke

The long awaited graduation is just couple steps away. But mom fall in sickness, bestfriend getting married, and i'm in dilemma.

God is expensive now.

17 July 2017

rest in peace

We pray to God to not let our death be in disdain. We pray may our death be a swift one, not via prolonged suffering, not a constant battling, not even tube down our throat and fill our lungs with oxygen coming from a tank. We pray to God for a quiet good bye to the world filled with corrupted sons of bitches.

16 July 2017

A long wait too..

There's nothing fair in a long term, long distant relationship. The pain is surreal. And we've lost touch of romance and empathy.

In her sick bed

My bed is a three seater long couch. My pillow is a worn out teddy bear. My selimut is a spread of kain batik. My lullaby is my elderly calling my name countless time, seeking for attention, in restlessness. Blessing is when i'm managed to go through the night with a wink of sleep.

My love.
My life.

This is my part while living. God hasn't send you yours. When the time comes, i will teach you the know how.

10 July 2017

Hopeful wishes

I hope i will survive the three bullets you're about to put behind my head.

Bang bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down

04 June 2017

the game of "love" dilemma

i've always try my best to keep it real and honest with people. no matter what type, range of relationship it is. wether it with my nephew & nieces, my parents, friends or love life. somehow, in the game of love, we cannot escape from so many tactics and strategy so called so to stay winning at love. that i have to protect my heart, by doing these and that.

here's a reality, yes, i have to keep it real with my self and PROTECT MY HEART, in a way, minimize interaction with people who project negativity and disappointment in my life which can lead to a heart break.

"Keep your distance. Don't make yourself to available."

i'm in a relationship. long distance. i was in love and i believe i still, now, love the same person. no matter what happened, we agreed that we can rely on each other & always there if i need him & he to me. like any relationship, we have ups and down. dissatisfaction, anger & disappointment will be project in various ways but as for my kind, the ldr kind, we have too much of "physical space" to act  but limited ways to show. here comes the silent treatment. our communication getting tangled, sometimes, stuck. we hardly can elaborate how we feel. i'm the type of expressing everything, which opposite of him. obviously it is a ONE WAY ROAD.

it saddened me how not to make myself available to him while i keep holding on the promises i made. i cannot give the same pain i received to other people. this is the dilemma that i'm facing every now and then. i tried, to play in silent. but clearly it's not my expertise.

articles suggest that silent treatment is very bad. it's deadly and fatal black mamba's poison, to any type of relationship. and contempt is describe as a kiss of death, as it involve seeing your partner as beneath you, rather than as an equal. what i fear the most is i might do these to other people for example to my friends, without knowing..

so i do what i do best. i kill every hatred growing with kindness, as best as i can. i collect myself as i write all of these down, and try to cope with my depression & anxiety. i need to gather my confident which slowly diminishing now..





Yusof

Berlembutlah kepada mereka yang menyakiti mu. 
Selamat pulang, sang kekasih, kepada yang Hak.


02 June 2017

Off mode

I've always been bitter like this..ever since you left me for another woman.

30 May 2017

hopeless

nothing breaks your hearts seeing your loved ones crumble & succumb to negativity of life. nothing breaks you hearts like the way he slowly drifting away from the world you've build together. nothing breaks you heart as silence filled in the emptiness he left inside your heart, the space he created between you and him.

and after so many rejection from him, yet you stood there, hopeless. 

Pamit

As Tulus' voice echoes in my ears singing Pamit, each and every words were sharp as a knife.

it's begged me, to let him go.

ego nya dua jiwa manusia yang menyakiti hati masing-masing, minta berpisah kasih. egonya.

tell me how, how should we let each other go? how can we stop this? you tell me how and i will do the honour, for you!

dentungan anak kunci piano berlagu di telinga. tulus menyatakan yang aku yang ego. tidak mahu melepaskan kerana aku takut dia hilang. dan tulus kata lagi, dia ada tetap sebagai kawan dan itu pasti jika aku percayakan dia. bagaimana aku harus bisa terus percayakan dia sedang dia yang berlaku tak  setia dulu dan ajak berpisah. nonsense. 

14 May 2017

SLUMP

How come i don't have any hobby?
after 26 years of living, turned out i'm a plain white rug, even white is more vibrant than my life.

21 April 2017

Don't make me question myself, what the hell am i doing with you?!

16 April 2017

Spice it up

Hari-hari rasa berat dan statik. Nak buat apa kasi sedap sikit ni?

Mendaki? Travel pun macam okay. Apa lagi..

Disampahkan

Hari ini berdendang lagi Cinta Disampahkan setelah sekian tahun tidak mendengar. Kerna rasa palat dalam jiwa sekarang rasa mentahnya sama seperti rasa yang aku rasa dengan lagu puisi itu. Fynn Jamal sebenarnya tidaklah seteruk yang orang gembar-gemburkan sekarang. kan tiap orang itu ada terang gelapnya. ada baik buruknya. waktu-waktu fynn menulis puisi, dia taruhkan jiwa didepan pendengar. aku resap dan dapat apa yang dia cuba sampaikan dulu. dan sekarang mungkin dendangan fynn dah berbeza tapi tetap, jiwa yang sama yang menyampaikannya.

aku gadis yang disampah-sampahkan 
aku gadis yang dihilangkan
 aku pecinta yang ingin disayang 
aku ini bukan milik orang  

mencari diri di dalam kamu 
mencari maruah diri di dalam cinta kamu 
mencari nafas yang telah di matikan 
mencari langit yang telah pernah engkau kuningkan

"Kebahagiaan tidak terletak pada tangan orang lain, tetapi tangan kamu sendiri."

You are responsible for your own happiness. Memang betul pun. Tiap kali datang rasa pahit kecewa, aku akan cari jalan keluar. Neutralkan balik rasa tu. Aku tak nak berada dalam situasi yang boleh memakan diri aku sendiri. BROKEN? TAK BOLEH MOVE ON? Itu bukan lagi aku.

Aku bukan lagi gadis yang cintanya disampahkan. aku gadis yang cintanya dihargai dan dimengertikan. yang cintanya bukan berhenti setakat bait lirik dan indah susunan lagu. sudah-sudahlah. Namun, aku masih bukan milik orang...

Seperti manusia biasa, aku mengejar rasa togetherness, rasa that hey i'm belong here, with you. Apa lagi jika perasaan tu dapat dikongsi dengan orang yang paling dekat dengan jiwa. Tapi.. Apa boleh buat jika dia merasakan aku ini tiada kepentingan lagi? Apa boleh buat jika rasa itu mungkin tidak lagi sama, tidak lagi dikongsi apatah lagi disebut-sebut.

segala diam 
dunia memejam memandang aku:  

"dia bukan milikmu lagi 
cinta kamu dimamah api”


06 April 2017

Hunch

What if all my hunches were correct and will come true?


Will i cry & crawl. Will i mend & heal. Will i feel relieve & smile.

Facing the hard truth

It'll not be long until people had enough of you. How much people could tolerate the poor communication, the distance, the change in personalities, the stagnant, the pain & joy which not celebrated. How much could people tolerate you?

I would love to stay, to embrace & to love who you are inside & out, black & white. Be hurt by each other & mending the wounded scar.

I learned the hard way. Cause i know at the end of the road, in finale, all these will be meaningful. And i know you're also want the same.

Deep down, tell me, would you be with me  till the end?